experience is not all it cracks up to be

Ok, so there are things I had done (maybe not proud of but do not regret), however unfortunately there are things that I do regret. I have always told people that I do not regret things in my past, and honestly I do not regret them it is more of ashamed of them. Now looking at myself at this moment I am finding that there are some things that I am still doing that I said I would not ever do again. But then again I guess they make me who I am, even though they can cause pain of the heart. I thought that I grew out of waiting on people to notice me. But recent I am finding out that I have not. There is one that I long for and that is only cause I have always desired what they have show me on how things could be, but there was a friendship that was developed and one that I cherish that I am glad we took the paths we have. while he is living the life I have always wanted to find (filled with friends, music, wine and companionship) I am not jealous of it. But I am envious of it, cause I had it a couple times and  I FUCKED it up, looking back on the situation I know that it was something that I caused because of something I was not gonna budge on (at the time) but now find myself to be that person. Maybe it took the heartache and the pain to realize that was who I am supposed to be instead of who I thought I wanted to be. Unfortunately the phrase of "No pain, No gain" does not only apply to working out. It applies to life in general, cause with out the pain and without the hurt, and I am talking about the pain, stress, and emotions that bring you to the edge, that you find out truly who you are. Cause there are many people on the edge or at rock bottom every day in your life, but  it is how you deal with it and bring yourself out of it that defines you. That is what shows your strength, understanding, compassion and love. like a picture on my facebook page earlier said " Missing someone isn't about  how long it has been since you have seen them, or the amount of time since you have talked to them ( or heard their voice.) It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were there by your side" I agree with this, and if I had prior something may not have happened. But then again there are things in my life that WOULD NOT have happened when they did, and THAT is what makes me the person I am today. The person that I love to be today, the one that is there to protect me and guide me into the future. Cause the only person that NEEDS to be there for you is YOU, without that you are lost and will always be lost. The reason I say that is because without that sense of self preservation and protection, you will always rely on someone else to be that. Unfortunately the blunt truth about it is, that no matter who you have in your life, family, friends, that special someone, there WILL be a time that they let you down or do not see eye to eye with you. And that is what will measure the true strength of your relationship with them. Now I know that it is Christmas and the season is supposed to be happy... but I will not lie, I am not happy... but it is not that I am unhappy with myself, it is that I am unhappy that there are those that are not around like I have gotten used to being. But I know that I can handle it, I have done it before. And no I do not blame people or events as to why I am dealing with it. I just know that I am strong enough to do it, which also gives me the strength to be strong enough to help others. So world while yes you may be "cruel" as some people say, I want to say thank you, cause without your lessons I would not have the strength that I have today. I miss those that are not here (and you know who you are, whether past or present) I hope all of you have a happy holiday and a grand new year :)